I wont return...

So sick of drama. Disappointd in alex's conversation tonight. He didn't know hair metal. I'm listening to Ashely Tisdale. Thinking about piercing my nose. Little voices in my head. Please go away.

Too tired to look for notebook....gonna write a song...

We've burned our bridges
Now were swimming in the polluted waters
I'm finally breathing
Now you cant drag me under

Finding a rythm
My heart beats steady now
Theres no more extremes
I'm not even sure how

Its its unbelievable
You can't have my thoughts
No you can't have my thoughts

My mind changes quicker than the days
I have lost control
Dont see the error in my ways
Closed off the entry to my soul

Its its unbelieveable
You can't have my thoughts
No you can't have my thoughts....

dont know where i thought this was going....just needed to rant in some way that is not completely out and out everything i wanna say....trust me...you have no idea what im talking about...and when you THINK you do...you dont...

Are you ready for this?

So confused. I dont know what to do. I just wanna be like whatever. But it isnt in my nature. Anyway...vocal rest day went good. I actually didnt sing like....at all. I'm pretty proud of myself actually. Too tired to even say anything else. NOT singing is hard work. Nite.

Maybe were too young and I dont even know whats real...

I was in the car with my mom before, listening to 38 Special. And I'm thinking, this dude makes total fucking sense. This guy is telling the object of his affection that he loves her, more or less. And so I'm sitting there thinking about what I want in boyfriend. Its gonna sound like a lot, but maybe one day itll happen. I mean, who knows right? Okay. I just want somebody to love me, completely. Somebody I make go weak at the knees, and yet is totally strong enough for me to fall on on those days when I just need to fall. He has to be there without being there ALL the time. He just has to be the kinda guy, giving me the kinda feelings people, including myself, sing about. He doesnt have to be perfect, he just has to be my kind of awesome. Also, I think it depends on when you meet someone that dictates what kinda awesome they are to you. You have to be ready and they have to be ready. Why the fuck am I thinking about this now?

You shouldve said no baby...Now everybody knows....

Def Leppard is amazingness. And I feel like I've overcome true hurtles today. Shyness. Fear itself. Myself. Making an idiot of said self. Keeping cool. Not letting stupid things bother me. Stuff that doesnt matter. And letting myself take credit for something that i worked really hard for. Today was a lot of fun. You want a girlfriend but you dont want strings.

End It All...

Well 75, its been fun. But I'm out. I'm done. I want to forget. I want to forgive. I want to move on like I'm really okay. I want new adventures. With new people. I want to get a chance to start over where nobody knows everything about me. And if Tech can give me all that. I guess its fine. Its only highschool honey. I don't understand the point of living like your afraid to die. Cause the funny thing about this life, is no one ever makes it out alive anyway. So whats the point of being afraid? Whats the harm in laughing it off, forgiving and forgetting, touching the fire again only to get burned. Twice. Who cares if so and so thinks your nuts. Yes. Because coming from them it means something. No. It doesnt. I'm so sick of the bullshit. Oh. By the way. Today was amazing. I need to sing. I need to do concerts, arenas, i'm dreaming of sold out shows on a faraway coast. I wanna sing. I wanna sing. I have a voice for a reason. As long as I believe then, anything is possible and I wanna sing. I wanna let things go from the way that my mind is completely empty when i'm there. and people like it. They dont mind it. They enjoy it. So why should I end it all?

Now theres not even breathing room, between pleasure and pain.

Well, fellow bloggers, I am in a sad state of affairs. I have read three books today because of my milk withdrawals. I am singing Monday in the talent show, and milk is bad for your vocal chords so I can't have dairy period but I am CRAVING milk. I drink it everyday. All the time. I am a milk FIEND and now I am practising self-control.
I've also been thinking a lot. It's so weird. Guys are everything girls do NOT need, and yet their everything we want. I think nature just tricks us a lot for the purpose of continuation of the species. I know a lot of nice guys. I guess. But no girl really wants a NICE guy. We want someone wholl take moderate control, without being too controlling. Who'll kiss us when the moment is so perfect, and when it is TOTALLY wrong. Who'll fight with us. Who'll agree with us. Who knows exactly when to fight and when to just agree. Someone we can talk to. Who teaches us stuff about ourselves and everything around us. I think that's what I want atleast. Who am I kidding? I have no idea what I want. I feel better now though. I'm getting more confident and everything. I would even go as far as cocky lately. I feel good. And its a real good. Not a fake good. I'm nervous about this summer though. But highschool doesnt scare me. I was more afraid of the eight grade then I am of freshman year. Because I'm a freak. God this feels so good. Just to talk like somebody's listening. I missed this. I'm also getting better at conversation. I can interest the common person for a few minutes now and actually enjoy myself with it. And OMG, one other thing I learned about myself this week: I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing on stage. I'm not even sure how it happens. At any point during the day, there are fifty MILLLION thoughts going through my head, but when I'm singing on stage, theres emptiness. My body moves and words come out, but I dont tell them to. I'm so not in control. And yet I'm totally in control. Its weird. Amyway...I'm gonna go record a little, try not to think about milk and read. Ciao.

Guys and microphones are the root of all evil.

Just so YOU know.

I dont know what I've done....

New favorite song lol. Im siiiiiiick. And I hurt. Everywhere. Its not nice. So I lay in bed, pndering life, death, God, guys, holy baby jesus!!!! I didnt tell you about banquet! I dont know what I expected to happen there. I had fun. I cried. I danced and hugged people and oh my god. I slow danced with two guys that I dont even like. One I don't even know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I have to do something. Like whats the worst that could happen? I really dont wanna die before I really live. That would suck. You have no idea what I'm talking. Dear god. Lets keep it that way. More later. Mwahs.

Nature is a whore....

Nature is a bitch. It makes us think things that arent actually true. I like this guy ok? I will never tell who it is. Laying back was never my thing. To the common eye, it looks like I do. But I know I don't. And this is exactly what I'm doing at the moment. Laying back. Biting my tongue. Settling. I hate that word. I'm gonna do something insane. And I'm not talking about dying my hair insane. A new insane. This is not your grandmothers kitchen anymore baby! Lets crank the heat up.

Please save your cliches for someone who wants them a little less....

So ha. I am alive. Six flags was so much fun. My brain is dead. Ok...that was a lie. My mind is fully functional in every area except those that would actually be helpful right about now. Banquet thursday! I finally have a dress...its white and im gonna wear white make up and dance my little feet off and hopefully look like i have a hangover when i wake up. is it sick if i look forward to that?....maybe a little huh? ah well....hopefully i wont do anything too stupid. =/. oh....i finally got a new phone too. ill write more later when im not surrounded by thirty people that can so easily walk by and read the concepts of my outer-inner mind.

I know i sound insane, like i'm playing games...

Alright. Sorry mike. I really really do mean it. You are a good friend. Don't make me eventually hate you by trying to do the couple thing. I can't do teen relationships. Its time to accept this. I can't date guys I don't like. Its a crippling fact actually. I'm sorry. But yeah... I wrote a new song if which vrai entitled Senses. I really like the song and OMG....i didn't get to sing on stage yesterday. I was very upset. Oh yeah...I got an "awesome" hair cut. I'm still not sure if i really like it but everyone else does...idk..Note to everyone: Audacity is amazing. THANK YOU JAY. But yeah.... i recorded Senses a few times and I even played around with backing vocals for awhile. I personally think the song is very cool. I like it. I'm being more honest with myself now. A bit ironic if you ask Aimez but, I am. Oh and yeah...some of the things I say on here are actually a little funny. Got to go.