End It All...

Well 75, its been fun. But I'm out. I'm done. I want to forget. I want to forgive. I want to move on like I'm really okay. I want new adventures. With new people. I want to get a chance to start over where nobody knows everything about me. And if Tech can give me all that. I guess its fine. Its only highschool honey. I don't understand the point of living like your afraid to die. Cause the funny thing about this life, is no one ever makes it out alive anyway. So whats the point of being afraid? Whats the harm in laughing it off, forgiving and forgetting, touching the fire again only to get burned. Twice. Who cares if so and so thinks your nuts. Yes. Because coming from them it means something. No. It doesnt. I'm so sick of the bullshit. Oh. By the way. Today was amazing. I need to sing. I need to do concerts, arenas, i'm dreaming of sold out shows on a faraway coast. I wanna sing. I wanna sing. I have a voice for a reason. As long as I believe then, anything is possible and I wanna sing. I wanna let things go from the way that my mind is completely empty when i'm there. and people like it. They dont mind it. They enjoy it. So why should I end it all?

Now theres not even breathing room, between pleasure and pain.

Well, fellow bloggers, I am in a sad state of affairs. I have read three books today because of my milk withdrawals. I am singing Monday in the talent show, and milk is bad for your vocal chords so I can't have dairy period but I am CRAVING milk. I drink it everyday. All the time. I am a milk FIEND and now I am practising self-control.
I've also been thinking a lot. It's so weird. Guys are everything girls do NOT need, and yet their everything we want. I think nature just tricks us a lot for the purpose of continuation of the species. I know a lot of nice guys. I guess. But no girl really wants a NICE guy. We want someone wholl take moderate control, without being too controlling. Who'll kiss us when the moment is so perfect, and when it is TOTALLY wrong. Who'll fight with us. Who'll agree with us. Who knows exactly when to fight and when to just agree. Someone we can talk to. Who teaches us stuff about ourselves and everything around us. I think that's what I want atleast. Who am I kidding? I have no idea what I want. I feel better now though. I'm getting more confident and everything. I would even go as far as cocky lately. I feel good. And its a real good. Not a fake good. I'm nervous about this summer though. But highschool doesnt scare me. I was more afraid of the eight grade then I am of freshman year. Because I'm a freak. God this feels so good. Just to talk like somebody's listening. I missed this. I'm also getting better at conversation. I can interest the common person for a few minutes now and actually enjoy myself with it. And OMG, one other thing I learned about myself this week: I LOVE LOVE LOVE performing on stage. I'm not even sure how it happens. At any point during the day, there are fifty MILLLION thoughts going through my head, but when I'm singing on stage, theres emptiness. My body moves and words come out, but I dont tell them to. I'm so not in control. And yet I'm totally in control. Its weird. Amyway...I'm gonna go record a little, try not to think about milk and read. Ciao.

Guys and microphones are the root of all evil.

Just so YOU know.

I dont know what I've done....

New favorite song lol. Im siiiiiiick. And I hurt. Everywhere. Its not nice. So I lay in bed, pndering life, death, God, guys, holy baby jesus!!!! I didnt tell you about banquet! I dont know what I expected to happen there. I had fun. I cried. I danced and hugged people and oh my god. I slow danced with two guys that I dont even like. One I don't even know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But I have to do something. Like whats the worst that could happen? I really dont wanna die before I really live. That would suck. You have no idea what I'm talking. Dear god. Lets keep it that way. More later. Mwahs.

Nature is a whore....

Nature is a bitch. It makes us think things that arent actually true. I like this guy ok? I will never tell who it is. Laying back was never my thing. To the common eye, it looks like I do. But I know I don't. And this is exactly what I'm doing at the moment. Laying back. Biting my tongue. Settling. I hate that word. I'm gonna do something insane. And I'm not talking about dying my hair insane. A new insane. This is not your grandmothers kitchen anymore baby! Lets crank the heat up.

Please save your cliches for someone who wants them a little less....

So ha. I am alive. Six flags was so much fun. My brain is dead. Ok...that was a lie. My mind is fully functional in every area except those that would actually be helpful right about now. Banquet thursday! I finally have a dress...its white and im gonna wear white make up and dance my little feet off and hopefully look like i have a hangover when i wake up. is it sick if i look forward to that?....maybe a little huh? ah well....hopefully i wont do anything too stupid. =/. oh....i finally got a new phone too. ill write more later when im not surrounded by thirty people that can so easily walk by and read the concepts of my outer-inner mind.

I know i sound insane, like i'm playing games...

Alright. Sorry mike. I really really do mean it. You are a good friend. Don't make me eventually hate you by trying to do the couple thing. I can't do teen relationships. Its time to accept this. I can't date guys I don't like. Its a crippling fact actually. I'm sorry. But yeah... I wrote a new song if which vrai entitled Senses. I really like the song and OMG....i didn't get to sing on stage yesterday. I was very upset. Oh yeah...I got an "awesome" hair cut. I'm still not sure if i really like it but everyone else does...idk..Note to everyone: Audacity is amazing. THANK YOU JAY. But yeah.... i recorded Senses a few times and I even played around with backing vocals for awhile. I personally think the song is very cool. I like it. I'm being more honest with myself now. A bit ironic if you ask Aimez but, I am. Oh and yeah...some of the things I say on here are actually a little funny. Got to go.

Where have our senses gone?

"Arista Wednesday. Great. More physical and mental assault...i mean... lovely entertainment, from the Paulo IS75 8th Chorus." lmao. So anyway, this is kind of a general update. I'm fine. I'm still over it. Which is nice. Guess what?? TOMORROW I GET TO BE ONSTAGE DURING SIXTH PERIOD. i have ALWAYS wanted to sing on that stage. and yeah. i might be a little scared but...thats okay because i WANT to be there. so itll work. and i swear if reinhold tries anything tomorrow...he shall wish he was dead. oh btw--i tried out to be in a saint clare production of beauty and the beast. i practiced my english accent lol i'm not sure if i got the part or not actually....we'll see.

I can breathe without you dear.

Deep in your soul.....Lies a lonely heart....that only ever pumps for you alone.....I feel like I've been hit by an 18 wheeler. I've moved on. I'm over it. I'm finished. And that is a good thing. A good thing for me. To be done with. And while I'm thrilled that someone actually cares, well....a few people actually care, its tiring reiterating myself over and over because I am in fact....done. Aimez and certain people....MIKE....dont believe me. I'm right. I know I am. I have to be. I absolutely positively have to be. I want to be out of here. In the deepest chamber of my heart....maybe Im already gone.....and maybe thats a good thing. Why are there so many maybes? Its not fair. Btw---thank you Mike Spella....I had...a thing...yesterday....but I still dont like you. Like that. Just in case you were wondering. Cause. That's not happening. I'm sincerely sorry...well...no not really... I shouldn't have to be sorry for something i dont feel. And...seeing as you "adore me with every fiber of your being," wouldn't want me to be sorry for something I cant help. And....I did something...and I'm proud. It was the first step of being over. Thats when it clicked. That I need to be out of here. Out of this place. Its a room that I'm leaving and locking the door. I'm gone. Bye bye bye. Lmao. Wasnt that a NSync song? Anyway. I want to go home. Actually...no I dont want to go home. I just want to go to sleep. For a really really long time. And when I wake up, there will favorably be a (good looking) prince there. With a white horse that can explain everything. That would be nice. I'm very confused about a lot of things. Which is not nice. At all. Goodbye.

hmm....about damn time.

La la la. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. HA. I said it. I finally said it. Now whether I mean it or not is the question.

You never been so used as I'm using you...

Well then. Officially 14, and I vow to never again for the rest of my life clean a toilet. I am officially find a husband who cleans toilets. It is my new lifelong quest. Anyway...I'm having a birthday party in like 2 hours....I have no idea how many people are coming, how many people I invited, or anything actually. But you know what? I dont' care. At this point I'm virtually non-existent. My mind is somewhere else all the time. Gotta go find that. ttyl

Though its easy to pretend I know your not a fool..

I love that song. Anyway..I'm deleting the alst post cuz I'm really not like that. I mean, he was cute but, not like....blogworthy. So..last nite was fucking amazing. My feet hurt but I really enjoyed everything. The whole thing. Usually at family parties my butt is glued to the chair. But last nite was awesome. I was dancing with my aunts who were acting just like me and we all had a lot of fun. I hated the fucking dj though. Every fucking kids game he had to grab me for. To help or whatever. I was like...shooting daggers at him with my eyes. But I still had a lot of fun. And...just saying here, no matter how many ltc movies are made about guys being jerks, you tell them this fact and they act like your the first one to ever think it. Like, how dare you not bow. Jerks.